A Man, a Boy, and a Donkey.

Remember the story of the man, his boy, and the donkey? The man set out one morning with his son to sell the donkey in town. He placed his son on the donkey and walked alongside, guiding the donkey and talking with his son. The first person they encountered along the way muttered, "Look at that lazy, disrespectful son, riding on that donkey while his elderly father is forced to walk!" Shortly thereafter, the man took his son off the donkey and climbed on himself. A bit further down the road, another passerby commented, "Look at that lazy man, riding on that donkey, forcing his young boy to walk!" So the father jumped off the beast and the three of them walked down the path together. Next they heard a comment from another critic: "Look at that foolish pair! Walking when they have a perfectly good donkey they could be riding!" The father climbed back on the donkey and lifted his son up with him. The final complaint was heard by another traveler: "Look at those cruel men! Overburdening the poor donkey with such a heavy load!" Into the town walked the boy, with his father grunting and sweating beside him--carrying a donkey on his back. And the moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you'll end up making an "ass" of yourself.

No one enjoys criticism, present company included. In the story of the man and his donkey, the man is such a people-pleaser that he alters his behavior to appease each critic he encounters on the road. This one example of an inappropriate response to criticism. "You can please some of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time." And to attempt to do so would be foolish.

For those of us who are not in the people-pleaser category, there is another dangerous response to criticism: bristling and rejecting all criticism as an unwarranted personal attack. Intellectually, we understand the phrase "constructive criticism," but in practice, we take all criticism too personally and get easily offended. (Psychologists may point out that this response is just a variation on donkey-man's desire to please everyone...) Some of my personal favorite quotes touch on the theme of pressing ahead and rejecting unfounded criticism:

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

Theodore Roosevelt
"Citizenship in a Republic,"
Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910

"You have no enemies, you say?
Alas, my friend, the boast is poor.
He who has mingled in the fray of duty
that the brave endure, must have made foes.
If you have none, small is the work that you have done.
You've hit no traitor on the hip.
You've dashed no cup from perjured lip.
You've never turned the wrong to right.
You've been a coward in the fight."

- Charles MacKay

These quotes appeal to those of us whose first response to criticism would tend to be, "Mind your own business. Don't tell me how to ride my donkey."

For a third possible response to criticism, I recently came across a book entitled, "A Complaint is a Gift." The message is that we must change our perspective on criticism and welcome it as we would a gift from a friend. The critic's gift is the opportunity to modify and improve behavior now, rather than later. Most dissatisfied customers don't take the time to complain. They just stop buying the product or shopping at the store that has resulted in their dissatisfaction. And most people in my life won't criticize me, even when the criticism would benefit me. Only a true friend would say, "Hey, you have a booger hanging out of your nose. Here's a kleenex."

So to boil it all down, decide how you are going to get your donkey to town and set out on your journey. Smile politely at your critics, thank them for their comments and tell them you will consider what they have suggested. Stick with your plan as much as possible, but be willing to change what needs to changed. Press on.